🟣 Nature wee gone wrong (again)

There I was: my trousers round my ankles, squatting behind a hedge, and something had just tickled my nethers.

Not a sentence I ever expected to write in a newsletter. But here we are.

It was meant to be a wholesome country walk - a bop around the field to get some good vibes going for the day. But my bladder had other ideas.

To be fair, the poor gal was two Monsters deep and at the furthest point from civilization, she was feeling the consequences.

Nature was calling and the only option was actual nature.

So I found a spot behind a bush, got my bits out, and dropped into a squat quicker than a hummingbird on Adderall.

What I did not account for was the single most aggressive blade of grass in the British Isles.

In my eagerness to reach urinal flow state I had lowered myself directly onto what I can only describe as nature's shiv. 

Not one of those normal bits of grass you get in your back garden but one of those beefy country grasses: thick, dry, strawlike.

And it was in a place no plant should ever go.

I shot up pretty sharpish, which if you’re mid-release is just about the worst thing you can do, and I pissed all over myself.

(again… if you remember the tale with aunty Penny)

Piss on my legs. Piss on my trainers. Piss everywhere. 

Any dogs walking past that day must have been hella confused by the whole situation - I covered some serious surface area.

These were not the good vibes I’d been looking for on my morning strut. Where did it all go wrong?

Two Monsters pre-strut. That's 100% where it went wrong. 

But here's the thing.

I was able to drop into that squat without a second thought. Full depth. No knee complaints. No "oh god my back" moment. Just uninterrupted, top quality nature wee technique.

And that is what years of strength training has given me.

Not the pissing on myself part.

But the ability to squat low and with full confidence that I could have executed an A+ alfresco wee, had that bit of straw not had other plans.

I'll bounce back from this. Emotionally, it might take a few days. But physically, the knees are golden.

And I’ll live to country crouch again when the Monster cravings inevitably best me once more.

Have a marvellous week, happy struttin.

Rachel